Hemingway Not Yet

Until I labor, I in labor lie.

I am really too darn tired to write anything or even to care about writing anything. I am still on last weeks clock and I worked all day roofing. I need to write. I need to transform my sleepy brain into an instrument that can play words and ideas like music. And to do that I must write every day, tired or not, in a deliberate way. Everything else I do for someone else, to pay the bills to satisfy a customer, to provide for my family, to minster to others. Writing is an indulgence, at least at this point; at my age and in my situation and without much really to say it is merely an indulgence and a vain ambition.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.

WB Yeats

Liz and I went together to Brockton Probate Court for the Pre-Trial hearing on our divorce. I agreed to give her physical custody of Scott and to make her child support payments of $250.00 per week. She was represented by Dympna Moore, an attorney who volunteered through the Catholic Church to work for her. We signed the agreements, we appeared before Judge Steinberger, and all is done.

It was a cold, frosty morning with a bright sky and a warm sun. On the way back we stopped to eat at DaddyO's diner in Kingston. She was wearing a blue sweater, blue jeans, and a blue barrette in her hair. Her eyes still are clear blue. So many memories of our early days together came flooding back. My only consolation is that I know that all things are lost in this life except for love; and I do love her in spite of all the horrible things that happened between us. I hate divorce like death, but I need to remember that Jesus Christ has promised us eternal life in paradise and I do believe that Liz will be there although she herself does not yet know it.

I know I need to give myself permission to love another woman. Although, at the moment I feel like I never will. I cannot take responsibility for Liz, she has, in great measure, brought this upon herself and made it impossible for me to take any other course. God will take care of Liz. If I cannot trust Him to do that in life, how can I trust Him to do that in death?

T'ched in the Head

The woman we are working for is worth describing. Please, dear readers, forgive my fascination with the female form and figure. But her eyes are flashing green, her hair red. And her smile brighter and warmer than the October sun.

School Daze

The inexperienced teacher, fearing his own ignorance, is afraid to admit it. Perhaps that courage only comes when one knows to what extent ingorance is almost universal. Attempts to camouflage it are simply a waste, in the long run, of time.
Ezra Pound

S and I went into Boston today to look at schools he might apply to. We went to BostonUniversity first, and then to the New England Conservatory, then Northeastern and the Massachusetts School of Art and finally we went to Berklee School of Music.
On the way home, we stopped at my dad’s.

Some observations: BU was basically closed for the holiday, there was not even an information office available, but we did look at some of the exhibits in the Mugar Library. The New England Conservatory was also completely closed although a female security guard did try to help. Northeastern had a student admissions guide outside the main building but he was largely clueless about customer service; I could not get his attention. Finally, inside, a woman who appeared to be in charge of the campus tours got us a catalog. We walked to MassArt where they were giving tours. I wanted to see what they had but Scott was not interested so we walked back all the way to Berkelee which was also closed. There was a nice young woman at the desk to the dorm in the performance center who was kind enough to tell us what she thought about the school. She was very informative and changed my mind about the school.

P T called Saturday and talked for a long time, turning to the subject of Christianity, asking me many questions. I kept urging her to get a bible and read the gospel of John. She had trouble with the assertion that we are all sinners and I had trouble explaining it to her because she felt she spent most of her days trying to help other people. Which is true from what I have seen. I tried to tell her that you had to be aware of God before you could realize how far short we have fallen from Him. I know she needs to be aware of her own need for a savior before she will consider Jesus.
Somehow she tacked onto the end of the conversation that she kinda had a crush on me. I didn’t know what to say but I did not want to encourage her because she is currently living with someone and she is not a Christian. If I could talk to her freely, I’d tell her that if she was single, which she is not, I would like to have her for a girl friend.
On a similar note, there is an attractive, married woman who is searching for meaning but is left cold by the church she is going to. She has asked me questions, she is well read and very intelligent, and interesting to talk to. She does not have a crush on me, at least I hope not, I think she is too intelligent for that and her husband is intellectually interesting and a good provider. She left a copy of a recent best-selling Christian book for me to give an opinion on. I hope she will be open to the Holy Spirit who must be at work in her life. It will be interesting to see where this leads and I hope she will remain a friend.

Yesterday we did a mall scavanger hunt with the Junior High. The kids had fun. It was a rainy day, Melinda and Christiana came with us.

Peggoty Beach

S'ils n'aiment fors que pour l'argent,
On ne les aime que pour l'heure.

T and I went to Peggoty Beach in Scituate today at lunch time. It is a sandy little cove off Scituate harbor in the nook of the cliff. I dreamed about it once before I had ever seen it when I was enamored of a girl from Scituate. She was in the dream, and the same beach and the large house to the left of the beach. In the dream it was made of glass and was smashed by a wave. The girl cried out in alarm, but I, being seized with fear for a moment, saw that the house smashed by the waves represented the material world and its inevitable end. This beach was the one in the dream, I am sure.

I met with L and her attorney yesterday and agreed to give L physical custody of S. It is the only way for her to keep her SS and her two bedroom apartment. My payments to her will become child suppport and increase by about 30 percent. But the divorce will go through without a trial. I am still sick over this divorce. I wish I could get out of it.

T told me today that he broke up with his girlfriend. This was the one who he had been so excited about the last time he worked with us. He is in his early twenties but I have to commend him for his wisdom in this matter. The girl, and I am speculating as to the details, had been living with someone in the recent past and had not told T about the relationship. He said he would not have gone out with her if he had known because that was not a behavior he could accept from a life partner. He was clearly broken hearted but he had taken the difficult step of breaking off the relationship. If I had such wisdom, I would not have gotten involved with L. Although I do not regret it in spite of the turmoil of the marriage. I love L and always will, but I could no longer countenance her easy ability to get into bed with other men. Divorce seems wrong to me and I hate it. But perhaps T's testimony was the Lord's way of telling me that I am doing the right thing in spite of how wrong it feels.

LP has lent me the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I told her I would read it and tell her what I thought.

Cold evening, after church I rested, and slept, did nothing. Finally walking down to the cove in the moonlight. Half moon, high tide at 8 pm.

Paint Day

Even now
My thought is all of this gold-tinted king's daughter
With garlands tissue and golden buds,

My life is very intense these days and not in any particular crisis, the divorce notwithstanding. That’s my way of saying life is good right now though swiftly passing away.

Tonight the Junior High youth group painted the rooms designated as theirs. The younger youth leaders picked some wild colors, lime green and red.. And the kids painted. There were 18 kids in two small rooms with paint and brushes and sandpaper and spackle. 18 Jr. high kids is a lot of concentrated energy. But I think the evening went well, with only one small incident. B hit one of us youth leaders in the head with a paint roller covered in lime green paint. He understandably became angry at her and she was disciplined. J was hiding out from senior high and I had a long talk with her. She is very nice. She is talented and works hard to achieve. She was telling me she won a beauty contest at the mall, three trophies she said. Some of the other things she told me about her health problems made me think she might be anorexic.

Also at work today L reached out to me as a friend. I really appreciate when someone does that and I hope I respond in kind. But I also hope she means it just as a friend.