For a journey and such a long journey

Random Thoughts

In an entirely different way, some philosophers have always found something fishy in the Darwinian theory of evolution. An obvious sticking point is the concept of fitness itself. If by the fitter organisms, biologists mean merely those that survive, then the doctrine that natural selection winnows out those organisms that are not fit expresses a triviality. This is a logical point and not a matter of experiment or research. The biologist who wishes to know why a species that represents nothing more than a persistent snore througout the long night of evolution should suddenly or slowly develop a novel characteristic will learn from the neo-Darwinian theory only that those characteristic that survive survive in virtue of their relative fitness. Those characteristics that are relatively fit, on the other hand, are relatively fit in virtue of the fact that they have survived. This is not an intellectual circle calculated to inspire confidence.... The doctrine that survival favors the survivors is what logicians call a *tautology*, a statement that is all form and no content. For obvious reasons, the evolutionary biologists are uncomfortable with the idea that the chief claim of their theory is roughly on the intellectual order of the declaration that whatever will be, will be" (Berlinski, D., "The Evidence for Evolution," in "Black Mischief: Language, Life, Logic, Luck,")

Little Wonder

With them the seed of Wisdom did I sow,
And with mine own hand wrought to make it grow;
And this was all the Harvest that I reap'd__
"I came like Water, and like Wind I go".

from the Rubaiyat of Omar Kayyam

I really screwed up today; I called P Liz when I talked to her on the phone. I desperately do not want to self-sabotage another relationship, but I do want this relationship to be God’s will or not be at all, so I will have to let this gaffe ride out and hope it didn’t too much damage. And I will have to put more distance between myself and Liz, first because I might inadvertently give her the false impression I am still hers, and because, as has already happened once, I might drive away someone who I could actually be happy with.

P and I walked on the beach last night with a thunderstorm flashing to the north and east. The tide was out enough that the walking was fairly easy on the sand flats. Little birds wheeled around us in the dark and the wind blew strong and constant from the direction of the storm.

B called yesterday. I am not sure what exactly he wanted but basically he called me a scumbag which, from his perspective I probably am, God help me.

The paper work is starting to pile up around my ears in my room. It is good to have a night to catch up a little on it.

Memories and Great Expectations

Where, like a pillow on a bed.
A pregnant bank swelled up to rest
The violet's reclining head,
Sat we two, one another's best.

from The Ecstasy by John Donne

Scotty graduated from High School today and we had a party. P made all the food. Fred Byrne helped set up at the Beans and ran the grill. The guests were: My dad, my sister Cynthia, her daughter Caty and son Jeff, my sister Judy and her son Rick, my friend Rick Tulipano, his wife Lane and his son Gabriel, Scott’s friend Nathan and Nathan’s girlfriend Sue, Fred Byrne, Joyce Bean, Scott’s friend Annie, and Paul Yoon, Liz, Bob Friend, Cynthia’s boyfriend Dave and his two daughters, the neighbor Joe and his kids Emily and Ben. It was a good party thanks especially to P and Fred.

Tomorrow Scott and I have to go to the U of H for orientation. Liz wants to come, but I am hoping she is too tired to get up. June 15 Scott and Liz leave for England, June 11 John leaves for the track for ten days, June 18 and 19 my sister Nancy is visiting from Washington, Cynthia will be having a cookout the 19th. Rick and Lane want to meet P, I think especially Lane.

After the party and after cleaning up everything and taking a shower, I went to the beach. There was a long jagged line of purple clouds in the north off the setting sun, the tide was out, it was a beautiful time to walk, rain is on the way. I need to get to bed early but I am still hoping to hear from Pam even tonight when I don’t expect to. We sat together in the kitchen last night talking by candlelight. I still sometimes feel really awkward with her; she is so beautiful.

Jesus is My Homeboy

Fold of Valour, sleep a little, Glory of the Western world;
I am wondering at thy beauty, marvelling how thy locks are curled

It was a very emotional service this Sunday. Ray’s whole family was there. His funeral was only Friday. Our new Pastor preached well again, making some changes in the order of the service. Brenda and Jack C were there today. I think they will start coming again. I have really missed them. And Russ H came in the evening.

I bicycled to the evening service. 10 kids were baptised, most of whom I know well. It was quite a thrill to see so many profess their faith: Justin, Alex, Mark, Collette, Kelly, James, Bobby, Corey, Vincent, and David. Their parents were also thrilled; it means everything to us as parents, more than college or good health, or anything in this world to know that the ones we love the most are walking in the Lord’s will.

I did not get to Watertown this weekend as I had planned. S went to the Prom last night with a girl named Annie. They rode in N’s dad’s purple cadillac. S was in last night but long after I was asleep.

My dad is thinking seriously of selling his house. It is really run down and I think the best thing may be to tear it down and re-build, but the lot is so small it would be difficult to do. The buyer would also have the option to renovate it entirely but all systems are at the point of failure. It may be an opportunity for me but I will have to move fast or lose it. I don’t know where to look for financing, I don’t know the zoning by-laws, or any local contractors, I don’t know the appraised value or the rental rates. There is a lot of work to do but someone will buy it and make it into a usable home. It may as well be me.

Black Marigolds

Even now
My thought is all of this gold-tinted king's daughter
With garlands tissue and golden buds,
Smoke tangles of her hair, and sleeping or waking
Feet trembling in love, full of pale languor;
My thought is clinging as to a lost learning
Slipped down out of the minds of men,
Labouring to bring her back into my soul.

I am too tired to put anything into this tonight. L is on the warpath again. Everything she says about me and now about P as well is really exactly what she herself has been and is. Sometimes I still feel bad about divorcing her especially when everything is going so badly for her now, but when she calls up and swears at me I know I did the right thing. She is so venomous and hateful and self-deceived. The bible says rightly that Christ has no fellowship with Belial. As for P, I am still baffled why such a young, beautiful woman would be interested in me. I hope I can do the right thing by her in every way.

Prayer List

Because of that great nobleness of hers;
The fire that stirs about her, when she stirs
Burns but more clearly.

W.B. Yeats

That all the subs get to the Williams next week and that Mike and I finish the carpentry.
That I get organized to make the most of the summer.
That P and I grow closer, if it is the Lord’s will, especially spiritually and emotionally.
That she and her husband arrive quickly at a fair settlement, again, if it is the Lord’s will.
I pray that God will give her and me the wisdom to know what his will is and that if he will not bless this relationship we would not go too far before finding that out.
And that I not add to P’s already excessive burdens. Even more, that I might be able to make this week easier for her.

Lights Out

Pensaran vuestras mercedes que es poco trabajo hinchar un perro?

Cervantes, from the preface to the 2nd ed of
Don Quixote

Amanda has been here for several hours with S. It was good to hear them talking and laughing in the kitchen; they have been friends since they were kids. Now they have gone out for a walk. L is still missing, I haven't been able to find out where she is. She does not answer her cell phone. I am looking forward to getting a full night's sleep tonight although I would not trade the last few weeks for anything.

Monday Routine, Not!

I’ll not forget the warm blue night when my bold girl,
Whose kissing lips smell sweet of honey and of rose water,

Came softly to my room, and my room glowed
As if the moon at her bright full had entered to me.

Wow!!!

Notes from a Fallen World

Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.
Last night my hands were thrust into the mystery of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the sweetness of pomegranates
And among the scents of the harvest above my queen’s neck,
the harvest of black hair;
And my teeth played with the golden skin of her two ears.
Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.


May 16, 1994

As I reflect on this day, I am struck by the contrast between the morning filled with warm Spring sunshine and the evening dark and rainy.
It was one of those intoxicating Spring mornings. Scott and I and even Liz woke early. We had cleaned the house on Saturday so everything was in good order for a day that we could just enjoy. Scotty and I went to church. The music of the bell choir playing matched the iridescent beauty of the morning, the Pastor spoke about encouragement and about the power of words to lift up or to tear down.
When we returned from the church, Liz was still up. Scott and I headed to Watertown to go to the Spring-fest along the Charles river with Caty and Jeff and Cynthia. Liz had other plans.
There were so many beautiful women there and I tried to remember the words from the book of James that the wisdom from above is first of all pure, I desired that wisdom and I desired those women. After the Spring-fest we visited my parents and then my sister Judy. And, last of all, we went down to the Tulipano’s house, by then, it had turned cold and was raining pretty hard. Scott and I went to Friendly’s and then headed home in the dark with the windshield wipers on at high speed.
At home the doors were locked and Liz was gone. We cozied in to our beds and went to sleep.

One Day at a Time

Sweet friend, I will part the curtain of black hair and let you
Into the white garden of my breast.
But I fear you will despise me and not look back when you go away.
I am so beautiful and so white that the lamp-light faints to see my face,
And God has given me for adornment my heavy black hair,
---Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.

The last few days seem to have dragged out for ages. Less than a week ago the thought of kissing P was an idle fantasy; now it is an easy reality. I have somehow got from Boston to London but I can’t remember what flight I took. I enjoy being in London though and could stay here quite a while.

Lazy, Lazy Sunday

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful, a fairy’s child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

I woke this morning with a headache and had it all day, too sleepy to be much good. ‘Spent the day with P. It was one of the best days of my life.

Meanwhile, in Faluja, 880 people killed. What are we doing there? I am afraid America will have to pay a great price for this. Our president wants to change the world; he should read his job description: to uphold and defend the Constitution.

Exasperated

Western wind, when will thou blow?
The small rain down can rain.
Christ, that my love were in my arms,
And I in my bed again.

Exasperated is how I felt when I found out today S had not filled out the financial aid application I had been reminding him about all week and had not followed up on information that his application for financial aid to his two top picks for schools was held up for some reason and he did not even tell me about it or try to fix the problem.

He had karate tonight and I had Youth Group. The kids had a lot of fun tonight. I am always amazed at how many adults start to do Youth Group and drop out half way through the year. N and her husband have been great, they have taken up the slack from others who were supposed to be in charge this year. But they are moving to Virginia next month.

I walked down to the cove in the dark and the fog. The river is filled with water, the surf is loud and the spring peepers have come back to life.

April Rain

---Como dice usted que se llama el pueblo que se ve alla abajo?
---Comala, senor.
---Esta seguro que ya es Comala?
---Seguro, senor.
---Y porque se ve esto tan triste?
---Son los tiempos, senor.

Dull, dreary day. I got a lot of office work done. DB did not show up to do the concrete floors, H did not do front hallway as planned, but the painters are working wonders, the electrician to be there tomorrow.

PM concert at the high school. The Wind Ensemble was a little weak. The Jazz band was really good, dynamic. They had a vocalist, a girl, sing on one number. She sang Aint Misbehavin with a lot of soul, breaking into scat. S looks good in a tuxedo, he has good stage presence.

'Looking forward to the weekend.

Good Friday

I have of sorwe so grete woun
That joy gete I never noon
Now that I see my lady bright
Which I have loved with al my myght
Is fro me deed and is a-goon.

Allas, Deeth, what ayleth thee
That thou noldest have taken me
When thou toke my lady sweete
That was so fayr, so fresh, so fre,
So good, that men may wel se
Of all goodnesse she had no meete.

P came down Friday night and we went together to the Good Friday service. After the service, J and A invited us to go get something to eat with them. I said okay without even bothering to look at P to see what her reaction was; I am going to have to learn not to be so careless.

We went to the restaurant, one of Duxbury’s 3 watering holes for the rich and obscure and had some light food and light conversation. Having known J and A for years, having traveled with J under sometimes difficult conditions, having taught all 4 of their kids in Sunday School, I have come to highly admire their God-centered marriage and family life. Their children are miles ahead of other kids in self respect, godliness and wisdom. The purpose of life is to glorify God and the S family does just that.

P was gracious and friendly in conversation, as always, but as I watched her I could see that something was bothering her. Everything about her is fascinating, her body, which I am still only allowing myself to observe around the edges but now in greater detail, her mind, her drive, her spirit seeking after God and her intense but intensely controlled emotions.

After we left the restaurant, P changed into her walking shoes and we drove down to the bridge to walk the beach. How delightful it is to be out under the stars, to be moving under my own power and to have the company of a woman who herself puts the stars to shame.

We walked all the way to High Pines and saw no one else on the beach. I think she would have kept going to the Gurnet if I had not turned back. The rush of new things to talk about has started to abate, so we will need to be more deliberate and creative and even content to walk in silence.

I think I offended her by prodding for more answers about her marriage when she has already made it clear where it stands and that she has made a difficult but unequivocal decision. Because she is still married and her husband has only recently left the house, I know I am on dangerous ground, not only morally but also socially and personally. And the only way I can rationalize it is to say that I will let the relationship develop naturally and slowly, giving God control of the outcome. She is either an answer to prayer beyond my wildest expectations or she is the subtlest, most powerful temptation I have ever faced. Taking it day by day as Pansy advised, any given day with her is a gift from God, who knows my heart.

After the walk we talked in the kitchen until late at night.

Not Unconsarned

“Why, the sun’s in the suds and the moon in the high Horicks; there’s a clipstick comin; an’, an’; there you’re both as unconsarned as if it was about to rain mether. Go out and cross youselves three times in the name o; the four Mandromarvins, for as prophecy says: -fill the pot, Eddy, supernaculum- a blazing star’s a rare spectaculum. Go out both of you and look at the sun, I say, an’ ye’ll see the condition he’s in -off!

Simply said, there’s too much work and no conceivable way to leverage it. I had a business plan once, two in fact that served me well for many years. Then I changed my plan when I thought I could actually get a job as a teacher, a real job with security and stuff like that, and still be able to dabble in business in the summers. The painters working with me now are all retired teachers with pensions. But now I think it is not feasible to get a job as a teacher or to survive financially on a starting salary, especially with the onerous payments I must make to my dear ex-wife. I need to make decisions about what kind of jobs I will do and what kind of help I will have to have to do them. I also need to decide how to work with M; I need his help but remain reluctant to make a partnership. He lost his shirt on the last job he did himself, that is what it takes to learn. perhaps he will try again, but then I will have to hire someone, (something like adopting a child). S will work for me this summer and perhaps his friend G.
Some options for a plan are: spec building, which is very high risk, competitive and requires capital investment, another is custom home building which is what I am doing now. This job has been good to do so far, financially and has been enjoyable; if all continues to go well, I may be recommended to do more. Building is a different game from the remodeling which I usually do. My weakest point is slowness in returning with estimates followed by a lack of a consistent, skilled crew. Yes it would be wonderful to be able to put my son through college, buy a small home, travel a little each year and stay out of the poor house in old age.

S has not been home this evening, it is not like him not to let me know where he is going.

Tir-na-n-og

Even now
If my girl with lotus eyes came to me again
Weary with the dear weight of young love,
Again I would give her to these starved twins of arms
And from her mouth drink down the heavy wine,
As a reeling pirate bee in fluttered ease
Steals up the honey from the nenuphar.

I am wondering what plans to make for my life. I am at a turning point; my divorce is finally done, S is making plans to leave home to start his own life. I know the things I want in life. I know who and what I live for.

For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:3

What I do not know is what tomorrow holds; but that scarcely matters to me anymore because I know I am to live each day in complete dependence on and faith in God. (Although I must confess I am in a good mood when there is money in the bank and I am in a bad mood when there is not.) There is no security in earthly things, none whatsover.
But there is a responsibility for us to at least set a course. For although the wind of this earthly life will not blow forever, while it does, we ought not to drift aimlessly.

Broadly speaking, I want the same things most men want: a good marriage, my own home, good health, a satisfying career.. Specifically how to arrive at those is the more difficult question.

Unagrocracy

“Look where you cut me, you villain,”says she, and she held out her arm to him-and, my dear, he thought the sight id lave his eyes.

The news has just been released that 7 American soldiers have been killed trying to restore order in Baghdad. Al-Sadr’s call for violent uprising is the most troublesome development to date for the occupation authorities. The Bush administration is trying to say that his is a small radical faction, but in fact he has significant popular support especially in the Shiite ghetto of Baghdad. If we lose the Shiite cooperation there will be no containing the country.

There is an inclination that is as old as human history for conquering armies, upon meeting resistance, to raze the cities and lay waste to the land, killing every human soul. We Americans have that inclination as much as the Romans did but it is held in check by the self-delusional charade we play that we are the good guys. If we are going to be conquerors, bring it out in the open. If not, bring our troops home. Unless we want to bleed our country to death there are no other options.

Baghdad Burning

WHITE

I thought that it was snowing
Flowers, but no, it was this young lady
Coming towards me.

From the Japanese of Yori-Kito
(19th Century)


This morning S and I drove to Burlington for an informational session for Hofstra University. I, sneezing and dizzy, hid in a corner of the room while S took the initiative to ask questions of the representatives, both students and Deans. Their presentation was not as elaborate or as polished as the one we went to last time for the University of Hartford. But this seems to be S’s new first choice. They told him he could continue his music without actually being a music major, and he likes the fact that it is just outside Manhattan. I am hoping that he will have a positive and memorable college experience, that he will get a well rounded education, that he will broaden his horizons, and that he will find a group of sincere, Christian young people who will encourage him to grow in faith. My prayer has always been that he will glorify God with his life and his life’s work; that Christ might live in him, that he might be compassionate, gracious and filled with the hope of the knowledge of God both in adversity and in abundance.

Low Energy Day

Bless’d be the hour she cooled in her linens,
And blythe be the bird that sings on her grave.
Come to my arms my Katie, my Katie,
O come to my arms and kiss me again!

This cold I’ve had for three days pretty much put me out of business today although I did get some work done in the morning and went to see PD who had asked me to do a couple of small jobs. She is English and the widow of an Iraqi surgeon and a she has a different perspective on Iraq than most. She also likes art and has some interesting reproductions of masterpieces on the walls in her condo. She had a new one by Matisse in a gold frame that I liked and commented on. She said most people don’t like that one. Well, that’s par for the course with me. I spent the afternoon doing laundry and trying to rest. PT called and talked for while. Later Scott, Nathan and Liz and I went out to eat as we usually do on Saturday evening. The boys have taken the truck for the night.

Sittin’ Thinkin’

Lo! The winter is past;
The rains are over and gone.
The time of the singing of birds
Has come.

I can sit here and think for ages and never write anything. So, I’ll just recount the last few days. Friday Scott was away. P and I went to dinner at Carmela’s and then went for a long walk on the beach. Needless to say, she is what I am sitting here thinking about more than anything else. Saturday morning I did paper work and picked up Scott’s graduation photos. In the afternoon I went to Watertown and climbed up the old slate roof at the house on Dana Terrace to try to re-mortar the chimney at my Dad’s house. Afterwards, I walked down to the T’s to talk to Rick for a while. Little Gabriel is walking now, he has curly brown hair just like his Uncle Tony had when he was a kid, (that’s remembering way back). Sunday morning I had three kids in Sunday School, Evans, Matt and Suzannah. We sat around a round table in the fellowship hall prayed, talked about a lot of interesting stuff, and read 2Kings 3. P came to church, and afterwards we took a ride in her car and talked. When she left to get her kids, I went down to Pansy’s to bring her some red cyclamen and take her trash to the dump. She was too sick to come to the door.
In the evening Scotty called from Bridgeport and said to call the Hunan crowd because he wanted to go out to dinner. Nathan wasn’t around but Liz joined us later for dinner. Today I worked alone at the Williams starting to do the finish work inside.

P-town 2001

You do not know,
You do not know what life is,
She said,
Slowly twisting the lilac stalk
between her fingers

There was, on the sidewalk in front of the church, a mime dressed as a mechanical doll. She, it appeared to be a she, moved mechanically to a whirring sound coming from a basket in front of her. She looked just like a doll, her body was sexless, her face pretty like a young girl, her hair a mop of bright yellow curls, her eyes as blank as a machine but written across her face was the brightest, friendliest smile. I took a picture of her and of the church, then we walked on. We came next to a store that sold salt water taffy we went in to buy some, I remembering how I used to watch it made in the storefront at Hampton Beach when I was a child. When we stepped outside the same mime was walking by. She moved close to me, I was not conscious of her approach until, from the corner of my eye, I caught her broad smile. I instinctively looked up and said, "Hello", and looked into her eye as I have done many times when I was fortunate enough to receive a smile from a pretty woman. Catching a woman's eye and reading her approval is something I sometimes think I live for. But these eyes did not respond, no trace of bashfulness, or flirting or anger. There was nothing in those eyes. I instantly knew this was not a woman. She or he walked on swaying and smiling down the street. And I, puzzled, watched her go. Her gait was strong, light, agile and manlike in the sense of a male ballet dancer. The smile on the outside, the lifelessness inside; this was a tragic figure, definitely male, definitely making a personal statement to the crowd. I sensed an invulnerability that can only come when one embraces death.

The Entire Poem

The mountains of Bech-Parma are great enough,
But my love is greater.

The glaciers that marble their tops are white,
But your breasts are whiter.

The antelope stricken by my bullet
Weeps a red blood from its wound

Which dyes with large red flowers
The field of the blowing jasmine flowers of snow.

Your arms are whiter than the jasmine flowers of snow
And your kiss is redder than the blood of the antelope.

The mountains of Bech-Parma are great enough
But my love is greater.

II
The wind screaming in the forest when the wind of Russia blows
Is milder than the desire that draws me to thee.

Your body smells richer than the resin
That weeps in the sun from slender pines.

And your mouth has more of odours
Than mint flowers throw on the air.

When you are by my side, I feel in my body,
A warmth more suave than the softest sun-rays.

And when you go away from me, my sadness
Is blacker than the lowering night black with storm.

The wind screaming in the forest when the wind of Russia blows
Is milder than the desire that draws me to thee.

Daghestan

Strange Days

Your arms are whiter than the jasmine flowers of snow
And your kiss is redder than the blood of the antelope

S is in Valley Forge Pennsylvania this evening if all went well. He left last night with his friend Warren from CueTime. They planned to drive from midnight non-stop. He is participating in the 18-and-under billiards tournament at the Billiards Exposition held at the Radisson Hotel.

I talked to P yesterday at the library. She was studying algebra for a test that evening. She had on a lime green sweater and was wearing just a touch of a really nice perfume. She came by Friday night and we talked for a long time in the kitchen and then went for a walk down to the cove. That night she had on an orange sweater and just a touch of orange in her lipstick. I am really enjoying getting to know her.

Pansy is supposed to go in for her second chemotherapy, (oxymoron!), treatment tomorrow. I’m not sure who is taking her; I should have called. It seems wrong for someone who is so healthy to be made so sick by her doctors.

A Quiet Sunday

--Yo te agradezco, Abenamar,
Aquesta tu cortesia.

It has been a quiet Sunday, I rested all afternoon. This morning I taught Sunday school. We read a little from 2 Kings and made Italian ice.

S came with me this morning to church and P came too and sat with us. I talked briefly with HN and when the conversation turned to building houses, he intimated that he could get me money to do a spec house. We did not pursue the subject, I dislike talking business in church, but it gives me something to think about.

The sermon was excellent, about Jesus’ resurrection. I drank it up. I wondered what the reaction was in S’s mind, he appeared restless and disinterested. I also wondered what was in P’s mind as I am not sure where she is spiritually. I hope the Holy Spirit is working on their hearts.

This afternoon I finished the book TheDaVinci Code which was leant to me by the Ws. It is a clever book about a modern day pursuit of the holy grail. It reads like a movie script with a lot of fast action and little character development. The protagonists follow a long, almost tedious, series of riddles, there are many twists of the plot and much suspense. The premise of the book is that Christianity, a false religion, supplanted the ancient goddess worship that preceded it; the goddess worship is the true religion now subordinated by Christianity and preserved in secret by the Priory of Sion. Of course Mary Magdalene is the goddess and was married to Jesus, their children are the royal line whose existence threatens the church to this day. It is so clever only the devil could have thought this up.

Testing new picture

Testing new background color

P and I took a walk in the snow today and agreed we shouldn’t be seeing each other. B was very upset she came to church with me last Sunday. I told her she was incredibly beautiful and truer words were never spoken.

It snowed almost all day today. I did not have work. It is amazing how uneasy I feel when I am not working, as if I had been holding the world on my shoulders and now it is in danger of collapse.

Today is the last day before our divorce becomes final. I hope and pray that she and I will remain friends for life. And though it's sad to put an end to the hopes and dreams we had, I know that this life and everything in it with its cloud of sin is fading away fast. I'm putting my hope in His coming and, God willing, she will be there too.

S registered to vote today at the Duxbury town hall.