Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Monday Routine, Not!

I’ll not forget the warm blue night when my bold girl,
Whose kissing lips smell sweet of honey and of rose water,

Came softly to my room, and my room glowed
As if the moon at her bright full had entered to me.


Wow!!!

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Notes from a Fallen World

Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.
Last night my hands were thrust into the mystery of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the sweetness of pomegranates
And among the scents of the harvest above my queen’s neck,
the harvest of black hair;
And my teeth played with the golden skin of her two ears.
Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.



May 16, 1994

As I reflect on this day, I am struck by the contrast between the morning filled with warm Spring sunshine and the evening dark and rainy.
It was one of those intoxicating Spring mornings. Scott and I and even Liz woke early. We had cleaned the house on Saturday so everything was in good order for a day that we could just enjoy. Scotty and I went to church. The music of the bell choir playing matched the iridescent beauty of the morning, the Pastor spoke about encouragement and about the power of words to lift up or to tear down.
When we returned from the church, Liz was still up. Scott and I headed to Watertown to go to the Spring-fest along the Charles river with Caty and Jeff and Cynthia. Liz had other plans.
There were so many beautiful women there and I tried to remember the words from the book of James that the wisdom from above is first of all pure, I desired that wisdom and I desired those women. After the Spring-fest we visited my parents and then my sister Judy. And, last of all, we went down to the Tulipano’s house, by then, it had turned cold and was raining pretty hard. Scott and I went to Friendly’s and then headed home in the dark with the windshield wipers on at high speed.
At home the doors were locked and Liz was gone. We cozied in to our beds and went to sleep.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

One Day at a Time

Sweet friend, I will part the curtain of black hair and let you
Into the white garden of my breast.
But I fear you will despise me and not look back when you go away.
I am so beautiful and so white that the lamp-light faints to see my face,
And God has given me for adornment my heavy black hair,
---Last night my kisses drowned in the softness of black hair,
And my kisses like bees went plundering the softness of black hair.


The last few days seem to have dragged out for ages. Less than a week ago the thought of kissing P was an idle fantasy; now it is an easy reality. I have somehow got from Boston to London but I can’t remember what flight I took. I enjoy being in London though and could stay here quite a while.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Lazy, Lazy Sunday

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful, a fairy’s child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.


I woke this morning with a headache and had it all day, too sleepy to be much good. ‘Spent the day with P. It was one of the best days of my life.

Meanwhile, in Faluja, 880 people killed. What are we doing there? I am afraid America will have to pay a great price for this. Our president wants to change the world; he should read his job description: to uphold and defend the Constitution.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Exasperated

Western wind, when will thou blow?
The small rain down can rain.
Christ, that my love were in my arms,
And I in my bed again.


Exasperated is how I felt when I found out today S had not filled out the financial aid application I had been reminding him about all week and had not followed up on information that his application for financial aid to his two top picks for schools was held up for some reason and he did not even tell me about it or try to fix the problem.

He had karate tonight and I had Youth Group. The kids had a lot of fun tonight. I am always amazed at how many adults start to do Youth Group and drop out half way through the year. N and her husband have been great, they have taken up the slack from others who were supposed to be in charge this year. But they are moving to Virginia next month.

I walked down to the cove in the dark and the fog. The river is filled with water, the surf is loud and the spring peepers have come back to life.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

April Rain

---Como dice usted que se llama el pueblo que se ve alla abajo?
---Comala, senor.
---Esta seguro que ya es Comala?
---Seguro, senor.
---Y porque se ve esto tan triste?
---Son los tiempos, senor.


Dull, dreary day. I got a lot of office work done. DB did not show up to do the concrete floors, H did not do front hallway as planned, but the painters are working wonders, the electrician to be there tomorrow.

PM concert at the high school. The Wind Ensemble was a little weak. The Jazz band was really good, dynamic. They had a vocalist, a girl, sing on one number. She sang Aint Misbehavin with a lot of soul, breaking into scat. S looks good in a tuxedo, he has good stage presence.

'Looking forward to the weekend.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Good Friday

I have of sorwe so grete woun
That joy gete I never noon
Now that I see my lady bright
Which I have loved with al my myght
Is fro me deed and is a-goon.

Allas, Deeth, what ayleth thee
That thou noldest have taken me
When thou toke my lady sweete
That was so fayr, so fresh, so fre,
So good, that men may wel se
Of all goodnesse she had no meete.


P came down Friday night and we went together to the Good Friday service. After the service, J and A invited us to go get something to eat with them. I said okay without even bothering to look at P to see what her reaction was; I am going to have to learn not to be so careless.

We went to the restaurant, one of Duxbury’s 3 watering holes for the rich and obscure and had some light food and light conversation. Having known J and A for years, having traveled with J under sometimes difficult conditions, having taught all 4 of their kids in Sunday School, I have come to highly admire their God-centered marriage and family life. Their children are miles ahead of other kids in self respect, godliness and wisdom. The purpose of life is to glorify God and the S family does just that.

P was gracious and friendly in conversation, as always, but as I watched her I could see that something was bothering her. Everything about her is fascinating, her body, which I am still only allowing myself to observe around the edges but now in greater detail, her mind, her drive, her spirit seeking after God and her intense but intensely controlled emotions.

After we left the restaurant, P changed into her walking shoes and we drove down to the bridge to walk the beach. How delightful it is to be out under the stars, to be moving under my own power and to have the company of a woman who herself puts the stars to shame.

We walked all the way to High Pines and saw no one else on the beach. I think she would have kept going to the Gurnet if I had not turned back. The rush of new things to talk about has started to abate, so we will need to be more deliberate and creative and even content to walk in silence.

I think I offended her by prodding for more answers about her marriage when she has already made it clear where it stands and that she has made a difficult but unequivocal decision. Because she is still married and her husband has only recently left the house, I know I am on dangerous ground, not only morally but also socially and personally. And the only way I can rationalize it is to say that I will let the relationship develop naturally and slowly, giving God control of the outcome. She is either an answer to prayer beyond my wildest expectations or she is the subtlest, most powerful temptation I have ever faced. Taking it day by day as Pansy advised, any given day with her is a gift from God, who knows my heart.

After the walk we talked in the kitchen until late at night.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Not Unconsarned

“Why, the sun’s in the suds and the moon in the high Horicks; there’s a clipstick comin; an’, an’; there you’re both as unconsarned as if it was about to rain mether. Go out and cross youselves three times in the name o; the four Mandromarvins, for as prophecy says: -fill the pot, Eddy, supernaculum- a blazing star’s a rare spectaculum. Go out both of you and look at the sun, I say, an’ ye’ll see the condition he’s in -off!

Simply said, there’s too much work and no conceivable way to leverage it. I had a business plan once, two in fact that served me well for many years. Then I changed my plan when I thought I could actually get a job as a teacher, a real job with security and stuff like that, and still be able to dabble in business in the summers. The painters working with me now are all retired teachers with pensions. But now I think it is not feasible to get a job as a teacher or to survive financially on a starting salary, especially with the onerous payments I must make to my dear ex-wife. I need to make decisions about what kind of jobs I will do and what kind of help I will have to have to do them. I also need to decide how to work with M; I need his help but remain reluctant to make a partnership. He lost his shirt on the last job he did himself, that is what it takes to learn. perhaps he will try again, but then I will have to hire someone, (something like adopting a child). S will work for me this summer and perhaps his friend G.
Some options for a plan are: spec building, which is very high risk, competitive and requires capital investment, another is custom home building which is what I am doing now. This job has been good to do so far, financially and has been enjoyable; if all continues to go well, I may be recommended to do more. Building is a different game from the remodeling which I usually do. My weakest point is slowness in returning with estimates followed by a lack of a consistent, skilled crew. Yes it would be wonderful to be able to put my son through college, buy a small home, travel a little each year and stay out of the poor house in old age.

S has not been home this evening, it is not like him not to let me know where he is going.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Tir-na-n-og

Even now
If my girl with lotus eyes came to me again
Weary with the dear weight of young love,
Again I would give her to these starved twins of arms
And from her mouth drink down the heavy wine,
As a reeling pirate bee in fluttered ease
Steals up the honey from the nenuphar
.

I am wondering what plans to make for my life. I am at a turning point; my divorce is finally done, S is making plans to leave home to start his own life. I know the things I want in life. I know who and what I live for.

For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:3


What I do not know is what tomorrow holds; but that scarcely matters to me anymore because I know I am to live each day in complete dependence on and faith in God. (Although I must confess I am in a good mood when there is money in the bank and I am in a bad mood when there is not.) There is no security in earthly things, none whatsover.
But there is a responsibility for us to at least set a course. For although the wind of this earthly life will not blow forever, while it does, we ought not to drift aimlessly.

Broadly speaking, I want the same things most men want: a good marriage, my own home, good health, a satisfying career.. Specifically how to arrive at those is the more difficult question.






Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Unagrocracy

“Look where you cut me, you villain,”says she, and she held out her arm to him-and, my dear, he thought the sight id lave his eyes.

The news has just been released that 7 American soldiers have been killed trying to restore order in Baghdad. Al-Sadr’s call for violent uprising is the most troublesome development to date for the occupation authorities. The Bush administration is trying to say that his is a small radical faction, but in fact he has significant popular support especially in the Shiite ghetto of Baghdad. If we lose the Shiite cooperation there will be no containing the country.

There is an inclination that is as old as human history for conquering armies, upon meeting resistance, to raze the cities and lay waste to the land, killing every human soul. We Americans have that inclination as much as the Romans did but it is held in check by the self-delusional charade we play that we are the good guys. If we are going to be conquerors, bring it out in the open. If not, bring our troops home. Unless we want to bleed our country to death there are no other options.

Baghdad Burning

Sunday, April 04, 2004

WHITE

I thought that it was snowing
Flowers, but no, it was this young lady
Coming towards me.

From the Japanese of Yori-Kito
(19th Century)



This morning S and I drove to Burlington for an informational session for Hofstra University. I, sneezing and dizzy, hid in a corner of the room while S took the initiative to ask questions of the representatives, both students and Deans. Their presentation was not as elaborate or as polished as the one we went to last time for the University of Hartford. But this seems to be S’s new first choice. They told him he could continue his music without actually being a music major, and he likes the fact that it is just outside Manhattan. I am hoping that he will have a positive and memorable college experience, that he will get a well rounded education, that he will broaden his horizons, and that he will find a group of sincere, Christian young people who will encourage him to grow in faith. My prayer has always been that he will glorify God with his life and his life’s work; that Christ might live in him, that he might be compassionate, gracious and filled with the hope of the knowledge of God both in adversity and in abundance.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Low Energy Day

Bless’d be the hour she cooled in her linens,
And blythe be the bird that sings on her grave.
Come to my arms my Katie, my Katie,
O come to my arms and kiss me again!


This cold I’ve had for three days pretty much put me out of business today although I did get some work done in the morning and went to see PD who had asked me to do a couple of small jobs. She is English and the widow of an Iraqi surgeon and a she has a different perspective on Iraq than most. She also likes art and has some interesting reproductions of masterpieces on the walls in her condo. She had a new one by Matisse in a gold frame that I liked and commented on. She said most people don’t like that one. Well, that’s par for the course with me. I spent the afternoon doing laundry and trying to rest. PT called and talked for while. Later Scott, Nathan and Liz and I went out to eat as we usually do on Saturday evening. The boys have taken the truck for the night.