Sunday, November 30, 2003

Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented; and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways . It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance but a certainty . Let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things ”praying, working, teaching, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts”not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (any microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.
C.S. Lewis


Friday, November 28, 2003

Lost and Found

Una vez Noe
A la selva fue
Metio los animales
Y empezo a llover


Lord
Have
Mercy
On
Me
A
Sinner

Rain is falling and drops of rain are splattering their selves against the house.
I have spent the evening doing nothing, going nowhere.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Toikey Day

For everthing that God created is good , and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
1 Timothy 4:4-5


The seals have returned to the mouth of the North river. I could see them yesterday leaping out of the water chasing fish in the incoming tide.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Economy

Nothing that is complex is useful,
And everything that is useful is simple.
Kalashnikov



Simplicity is the first element of beauty: economy of force in war, economy of words in writing, economy of parts in machines, economy of ideas in theory. I firmly believe that experience in a craft teaches above all else, that the shortest and simplest route to a desired end is the best. As I became more adept at carpentry over the years, it became clear to me, and remains a rule when I am building something, that if the solution to a mechanical problem starts to become too complex and too difficult, you can be sure that you are on the wrong path. There is always a solution that is beautiful in its simplicity; the inexperienced workman is easily led down the wrong path, piling piece upon piece unable to discern the danger inherent in complexity, and not having in his possession the faith to wait for the certain appearance, with time and thought, of an elegantly simple answer both in its performance and in its result.

In the same vein, when faced with an intractable problem, the skilled man or woman knows instinctively not to fight with it or struggle in frustration, like the martial arts master he looks carefully to discern the weak point, the plane of cleavage where an easy blow will accomplish the desired task. This is a combination of patience and of confidence in his mastery of the material world.

Having learned that in carpentry and believed in it in writing I hope I might also apply the same principle to some of the other intractable problems of my life. I hope I donĂ¢€™t bore you, dear reader if, for my own sake, I list them that I think of: The problem I have with making enough money, or shall I say the fear that I have about it, the problem of being totally unable to find a girlfriend most of my adult life, and the problem I have finding,still, a course for my life now perhaps more than half over.

Friday, November 07, 2003

Celestial Guidance

Two gods guides me, the ane of them is blin,
Yea, and a bairn brocht up in vanitie,
The next a wife ingenrit of the sea
And lichter nor a dauphin with her fin.


I have been having long conversations with two women in their early forties, younger than me, who both seem to share much in common with me. This is remarkable because I have a history of long years of being ignored by women but, now in my declining years, (said only half in jest), here are two attractive and intelligent women who seem to be interested in me, although they are married and, I hope not interested in anything more than friendly talking. And both these women have interests and intellects compatible with mine, when, so often with everyone, man and woman, my perceptions are radically different. But now here suddenly are two who are capable of connecting with me intellectually and they seem to enjoy talking to me. They both said something similar about religion. They both are Episcopalian but do not fully agree with the theology and seem to be searching. It is odd that the Lord has brought these two at the same time into my life.
Baghdad George

With a multitude of counselors, go to war.

Now that we are in Iraq it may be in our national interest to stay there and stabilise the country. This does not mean I support George Bush’s Iraq policies; I firmly believe that this war was not in our interest and that we were lied to and manipulated to support the invasion. But I absolutely want to see the president defeated in the next election; He deserves to go down for leading us into this mess.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Mass Architecture

I walked behind the Middle School last night for the first time since they began to build the new performing arts center., I used to go out there every night to run around the track. At first in the seventies there was only the track, some exercise bars, and a swing set in the grass. Then they built a play ground, now they have torn down the play ground and built a performing arts center that looms over the track filling the grassy area where the swings were. For all the money they must have spent on that building, they should have designed something with some visual interest. Obviously it is a very clever design but its appearance is monstrous. It looks like a misshapen, out of proportion brick wall without symmetry or balance or any sort of visual order, or any 3 dimensional detail, not even windows.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Hemingway Not Yet

Until I labor, I in labor lie.

I am really too darn tired to write anything or even to care about writing anything. I am still on last weeks clock and I worked all day roofing. I need to write. I need to transform my sleepy brain into an instrument that can play words and ideas like music. And to do that I must write every day, tired or not, in a deliberate way. Everything else I do for someone else, to pay the bills to satisfy a customer, to provide for my family, to minster to others. Writing is an indulgence, at least at this point; at my age and in my situation and without much really to say it is merely an indulgence and a vain ambition.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.

WB Yeats


Liz and I went together to Brockton Probate Court for the Pre-Trial hearing on our divorce. I agreed to give her physical custody of Scott and to make her child support payments of $250.00 per week. She was represented by Dympna Moore, an attorney who volunteered through the Catholic Church to work for her. We signed the agreements, we appeared before Judge Steinberger, and all is done.

It was a cold, frosty morning with a bright sky and a warm sun. On the way back we stopped to eat at DaddyO's diner in Kingston. She was wearing a blue sweater, blue jeans, and a blue barrette in her hair. Her eyes still are clear blue. So many memories of our early days together came flooding back. My only consolation is that I know that all things are lost in this life except for love; and I do love her in spite of all the horrible things that happened between us. I hate divorce like death, but I need to remember that Jesus Christ has promised us eternal life in paradise and I do believe that Liz will be there although she herself does not yet know it.

I know I need to give myself permission to love another woman. Although, at the moment I feel like I never will. I cannot take responsibility for Liz, she has, in great measure, brought this upon herself and made it impossible for me to take any other course. God will take care of Liz. If I cannot trust Him to do that in life, how can I trust Him to do that in death?

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

T'ched in the Head

The woman we are working for is worth describing. Please, dear readers, forgive my fascination with the female form and figure. But her eyes are flashing green, her hair red. And her smile brighter and warmer than the October sun.

Monday, October 13, 2003

School Daze

The inexperienced teacher, fearing his own ignorance, is afraid to admit it. Perhaps that courage only comes when one knows to what extent ingorance is almost universal. Attempts to camouflage it are simply a waste, in the long run, of time.
Ezra Pound


S and I went into Boston today to look at schools he might apply to. We went to BostonUniversity first, and then to the New England Conservatory, then Northeastern and the Massachusetts School of Art and finally we went to Berklee School of Music.
On the way home, we stopped at my dad’s.

Some observations: BU was basically closed for the holiday, there was not even an information office available, but we did look at some of the exhibits in the Mugar Library. The New England Conservatory was also completely closed although a female security guard did try to help. Northeastern had a student admissions guide outside the main building but he was largely clueless about customer service; I could not get his attention. Finally, inside, a woman who appeared to be in charge of the campus tours got us a catalog. We walked to MassArt where they were giving tours. I wanted to see what they had but Scott was not interested so we walked back all the way to Berkelee which was also closed. There was a nice young woman at the desk to the dorm in the performance center who was kind enough to tell us what she thought about the school. She was very informative and changed my mind about the school.

P T called Saturday and talked for a long time, turning to the subject of Christianity, asking me many questions. I kept urging her to get a bible and read the gospel of John. She had trouble with the assertion that we are all sinners and I had trouble explaining it to her because she felt she spent most of her days trying to help other people. Which is true from what I have seen. I tried to tell her that you had to be aware of God before you could realize how far short we have fallen from Him. I know she needs to be aware of her own need for a savior before she will consider Jesus.
Somehow she tacked onto the end of the conversation that she kinda had a crush on me. I didn’t know what to say but I did not want to encourage her because she is currently living with someone and she is not a Christian. If I could talk to her freely, I’d tell her that if she was single, which she is not, I would like to have her for a girl friend.
On a similar note, there is an attractive, married woman who is searching for meaning but is left cold by the church she is going to. She has asked me questions, she is well read and very intelligent, and interesting to talk to. She does not have a crush on me, at least I hope not, I think she is too intelligent for that and her husband is intellectually interesting and a good provider. She left a copy of a recent best-selling Christian book for me to give an opinion on. I hope she will be open to the Holy Spirit who must be at work in her life. It will be interesting to see where this leads and I hope she will remain a friend.

Yesterday we did a mall scavanger hunt with the Junior High. The kids had fun. It was a rainy day, Melinda and Christiana came with us.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Peggoty Beach

S'ils n'aiment fors que pour l'argent,
On ne les aime que pour l'heure.


T and I went to Peggoty Beach in Scituate today at lunch time. It is a sandy little cove off Scituate harbor in the nook of the cliff. I dreamed about it once before I had ever seen it when I was enamored of a girl from Scituate. She was in the dream, and the same beach and the large house to the left of the beach. In the dream it was made of glass and was smashed by a wave. The girl cried out in alarm, but I, being seized with fear for a moment, saw that the house smashed by the waves represented the material world and its inevitable end. This beach was the one in the dream, I am sure.

I met with L and her attorney yesterday and agreed to give L physical custody of S. It is the only way for her to keep her SS and her two bedroom apartment. My payments to her will become child suppport and increase by about 30 percent. But the divorce will go through without a trial. I am still sick over this divorce. I wish I could get out of it.

T told me today that he broke up with his girlfriend. This was the one who he had been so excited about the last time he worked with us. He is in his early twenties but I have to commend him for his wisdom in this matter. The girl, and I am speculating as to the details, had been living with someone in the recent past and had not told T about the relationship. He said he would not have gone out with her if he had known because that was not a behavior he could accept from a life partner. He was clearly broken hearted but he had taken the difficult step of breaking off the relationship. If I had such wisdom, I would not have gotten involved with L. Although I do not regret it in spite of the turmoil of the marriage. I love L and always will, but I could no longer countenance her easy ability to get into bed with other men. Divorce seems wrong to me and I hate it. But perhaps T's testimony was the Lord's way of telling me that I am doing the right thing in spite of how wrong it feels.

LP has lent me the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I told her I would read it and tell her what I thought.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Cold evening, after church I rested, and slept, did nothing. Finally walking down to the cove in the moonlight. Half moon, high tide at 8 pm.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Paint Day

Even now
My thought is all of this gold-tinted king's daughter
With garlands tissue and golden buds,


My life is very intense these days and not in any particular crisis, the divorce notwithstanding. That’s my way of saying life is good right now though swiftly passing away.

Tonight the Junior High youth group painted the rooms designated as theirs. The younger youth leaders picked some wild colors, lime green and red.. And the kids painted. There were 18 kids in two small rooms with paint and brushes and sandpaper and spackle. 18 Jr. high kids is a lot of concentrated energy. But I think the evening went well, with only one small incident. B hit one of us youth leaders in the head with a paint roller covered in lime green paint. He understandably became angry at her and she was disciplined. J was hiding out from senior high and I had a long talk with her. She is very nice. She is talented and works hard to achieve. She was telling me she won a beauty contest at the mall, three trophies she said. Some of the other things she told me about her health problems made me think she might be anorexic.

Also at work today L reached out to me as a friend. I really appreciate when someone does that and I hope I respond in kind. But I also hope she means it just as a friend.


Tuesday, September 30, 2003

I like L. P.

How much of a man does it take to see his whole life go down,
To look up at the world from a whole in the ground. R. Zimmmerman


My life is very busy now with work. There are so many jobs to do and to price. This is good, the Lord, I believe will help me to organize so that I will prosper. I am beginning to wonder though if I will ever have a wife besides Liz, who I can’t live with or sleep with or talk to about much, but who I still love. God always has loved her and knows her heart. I do not know her heart.

Tomorrow the Junior High Kids are going to paint the downstairs of the Lighthouse.

Monday, September 29, 2003

India Ink

I have been one acquainted with the night,
I have outwalked the furthest city light.


Another long busy day at work. I had to make myself walk after being on the phone for 2 hours. There will not be many more trips to the beach now that it is dark so soon after I get home. Instead I walk down Saint George street and Cove street and back on Lover’s lane, stopping by the landing off of Cove Street to look East across the Back river to the Beach. Tonight was a dark moonless night with the Milky Way clearly visible, Mars the brightest object in the sky, the Pleiades rising, a bird sounded a ghostly trilling by the edge of the marsh. I wonder what other, more silent creatures are lurking. One evening on this route I passed close to a large coyote walking in the other direction about twenty feet off the road. I looked right at him, he looked back and calmly walked on.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Entrapment

Last night I watched a movie I got from the Library called Entrapment that stars Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. It was an entertaining movie with pretty good action and suspense. The most remarkable thing about this movie is Catherine Zeta-Jones. My thought on watching her was, “God you created the sun and the moon and the heavens, but she is your masterpiece”. She is something to see and see and see. The plot is decent, the character development is non-existent; there is no realistic psychology to either of the main characters Sean Connery or Catherine Zeta-Jones. It is not a great movie but it is good entertainment.
Routine Day of Rest

There was a sliver of a new moon in the western sky last night. Today the tide is one of the highest I’ve ever seen, it is within inches of the road and over the road in places on King Caesar and below the Bluefish River bridge. It was up beyond the access ramp on the main beach. Long fingers of fog drifted over the bay and the marshes. There was a cormorant by the middle of the bridge. I got a close look at it. They are odd birds that fly low, float half submerged and swim better than fish.